Dear Susan,

Last summer my partner and I went on holiday with two other couples; we shared a Greek villa, enjoyed the sun and the pool, had a wonderful time.

And slowly, there developed between the six of us a certain sexual tension. We all sunbathed nude. We swapped back-rubs. And one night in the jacuzzi, we found ourselves passing champagne kisses from mouth to mouth round the circle. When it came to arranging this year’s holiday, no one hesitated. The villa’s booked for August.

Happily, the thought has taken hold that this time things are going to go further. We’ve already started joking about group sex. Then one night over supper the joke turned slightly more serious. And the goodnight kisses between the six of us at the end of that evening were decidedly warm.

I’m seriously keen, my partner wary but willing. But we don’t know whether the others will back off in the event.

So how can we make this happen? It seems like the chance of a lifetime and we would be so frustrated if the whole amazing possibility simply faded away.

Simon

Dear Simon,

Let me begin by reminding you of the linguistic definition of the word ‘seduction’; to ‘lead away from’.

If you seduce someone, you lead them away from their normal existence and into a magical world where they can become open to whatever possibilities you have in mind for them. You lead them away too from their old ways of thinking and feeling, away from their inhibitions and resistances, so they embrace the afore-mentioned possibilities.

On that first count - the magical world stuff - you already have the makings of a perfect scenario to nudge your fellow travellers to the edge. Not only does your Greek idyll offer the classic triumvirate of ‘Ss’ - sun, sea and sand - which physiologically as well as romantically speaking will soften you all up, not only can you build on the heat-induced near-nakedness, which has already slid over happily into full nudity and licensed touching, you can also mercilessly exploit vacation psychology, which - put briefly - goes something like this.

On holiday, we are out of our own natural environment, away from our safe base, out of our comfort zone, all of which makes us a little anxious, off-balance emotionally - and hence more likely to seek the kindness of strangers (or in this case, of friends). There are few adult abandonment syndromes that a good seeing-to can’t disperse within minutes, albeit only temporarily; there are few better excuses, albeit only temporary ones, for that good seeing-to than feeling a tad insecure.

But also, when it comes to any inhibitions against that good seeing-to, vacations rework the rules. For holidays - particularly ones held in foreign, unfamiliar, secluded and cloistered settings - are a world unto themselves, a world where anything goes. And one of the things that often goes - speedily and without a backward glance - is the inhibition against revelations that holiday-makers bring with them. Along with revealing to the world their fake-tanned limbs, they mysteriously reveal to each other - late at night, on that whitewashed balcony, with benefit of raki - their innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s a short step from there to more Biblical knowledge of each other.

And why not? It’s often hard to recall any ethical objections. For being out of your own natural environment means that you are much less troubled by your own natural moral strictures. Waking to the sight of a Greek beach rather than the your own neatly-manicured lawn means that you are much less likely to recall the promises of fidelity you made to your lover. If what is intended is simultaneous infidelity, that is group sex, then even if your lover is lying next to as you wake, both of you are likely to call on the FuckIt gods to legitimise and celebrate your transgressions.

In short, your Aegean sojourn will probably, almost of its own accord, lead an already willing group of lambs to the seduction slaughter. All you yourself really have to do is to step back and make sure you don’t impede inevitable progress. Too much alcohol will increase desire but impair performance. Too much banter will defuse tension but also mean that someone, at just the wrong moment, will start to wonder what the hell you are all doing. Too much, too soon, too far, too fast, is likely to increase the aforementioned insecurity and end up with one or more of the participants (usually female) howling her eyes out in the washroom or starting a cat fight; nothing is more calculated to ruin the atmosphere.

No, if you really want to bring this to a conclusion, put all your effort not into ‘making it happen’ but into making it safe. Hold yourself back a pace or two behind the others so that they take the lead and run at the speed that feels good to them. Respond eagerly to whatever they initiate but never push or pull. And never, never, never (that was three ‘nevers’) bring to anyone’s mind whether there will be repercussions when you all get back to Blighty.

Of course, even given these safeguards, your putative orgy may still all go utterly, horrendously and irrevocably wrong.

I’m not wagging a nannyish finger here and telling you that it’s wicked and evil to have group sex. (Would I, a contributor to ER, do that?) If you’re heading down that route anyway, then to be frank, if all goes well it is far better to do so with full knowledge and consent; in that respect, group sex can be a much better option than marriage-breaking adultery.

No, the reason I’m issuing the health warning is that what may actually be happening - or be about to happen - is that self-same adultery, or the run up to it. Because gigglingly exciting though you and your partner find this, it’s highly unlikely that excitement is the only item on the agenda for all of the other four delegates. Because now that the ‘anything goes’ era of the Seventies is over, people seldom leap into group sex without at least an undercurrent of something else going on.

To be specific, it’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that - consciously or unconsciously - one of your fellow participants is currently unhappy in their relationship and actively seeking a replacement in the marital bed. That at least one - probably the consort of the aforementioned unhappy one - is achingly insecure as they see breakup imminently looming. That at least one other is actively against what is planned and only accommodating in order to placate their aroused and eager partner. And that at least one is running power-plays, their sexual arousal fuelled by a compulsion to mercilessly manipulate everyone into group sex just to prove they can.

Not to end on a sour note, but it might behove you to identify your players ahead of time and plan accordingly. It would also behove you to work out which of the above categories you - and, of course, your seemingly compliant partner - fall into.

No judgments, truly. It can be wonderful. So other than the above caveats... enjoy.

Susan